Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: O Captain, My Captain

Congratulations! You have decided to captain a kickball/volleyball/dodgeball team. You now get to play for free! Captaining is awesome!

But wait a second…apparently this captaining job comes with real responsibilities. People are now looking to you for leadership and information. And all you wanted was free registration and to have your name at the top of the team’s roster. Unless you want to simply shirk all your duties as captain (which is one of the douchiest things you can do in NAKID) you’re going to have to put in some effort.

I’m not saying you need to dedicate all of your time and energy towards captaining. Not everyone has the time nor desire to spend hours carefully cultivating a lineup, and then later writing a lengthy “recap” email that only minimally touches on what happened in the game.

No, that is the territory of only the truly great captains. For the rest of you mere mortals, you can probably do a suitable job with a lot less effort.

The way I see it, a captain simply needs to facilitate his team having fun and put them in a position to win games. Whether or not a team actually has fun or wins is largely up to the team itself, but a good captain can go a long way toward making that happen.

Of course, this can be a tough balance. Even on the most fun of teams, people will get discouraged if they lose all their games and aren't competitive. And on the other hand, if a captain takes the desire to win too far, it’s not as much fun for everybody.

Remember, this is a social league, so captains should try their best not to be like this guy:


To get further insight into captaining, I held a roundtable discussion. I gathered up some famous captains and tried to get their opinion on things.

Joining us today are:
Steve Yzerman, former Detroit Red Wings captain.
Captain Planet, environmental superhero.
David Beckham, captain of the British soccer team.

James T. Kirk, captain of the Starship Enterprise.

Cap’n Crunch, cereal spokesperson.

Let’s start out by asking what makes you a successful captain?

Planet: Combining the powers of earth, water, wind, fire, and heart!

Crunch: Being part of a nutritious breakfast!

Beckham: I’ll be honest with you. It’s my good looks. I mean, if I didn’t look like a model, would anyone really give a crap about me?

Kirk: I’m going to agree with that. My good looks made me an effective leader and allowed me to have sex with women of all sorts of alien races.

Author: In NAKID we call that “pulling a Randy.”

Yzerman: But you don’t have to be good looking. In Canada, I'm still considered a sex symbol, eh?

Beckham: You play hockey, so expectations are lowered. In football it is a different story. I owe almost all of my fame to my looks and the fact that I married a pop star.

Kirk: *laughs* A pop star? I wouldn’t go quite that far.

Beckham: Hey, the Spice Girls first album went platinum eight times, you know.

Planet: I love the song "Wannabe!"

Kirk: Which one was your wife?

Beckham: The skinny brunette with the disproportionately big rack.

Yzerman: And yet, more people in America know who she is than me. And I won the Stanley Cup three times!

Beckham: Americans at least consider hockey to be a major sport. I came to the States and the sport still couldn’t draw ratings.

Yzerman: Major sport? Hardly. Maybe in places like Washington where the local teams have been so bad that they’ll jump aboard the bandwagon of any team that gives them some hope. But most of the country doesn't give a crap.

Beckham: Well, isn’t it considered to be “cool” to like hockey?

Yzerman: Maybe back in the 90s, eh? Hockey stopped being cool right around the same time when your wife actually had a career. You want to know how unnoticed hockey is in the U.S? That picture up there? It isn’t even me! I just Googled “bald Canadian” and grabbed a random picture. And sadly, I bet only about two people reading this even noticed, eh?

Beckham: I don’t get Americans. All a bunch of wankers if you ask me. Especially that Landon Donovan guy. If he's considered the country's best player, no wonder the sport isn't popular here.

Crunch: Hate to interrupt, fellas, but does anyone remember back in the 80s when I went missing and there was a big contest to figure out where I went?

Beckham: What the hell are you talking about?

Crunch: It was a big deal! It turned out I was in outer space fighting the Soggies. They’re an alien race dedicated to making cereal soggy.

Yzerman: And you stopped them? You’re like two feet tall, eh? What did you do to them, cut the roof of their mouths?

Crunch: Cap’n Crunch does not cut the roof of your mouth! Those are lies! Lies!

Kirk: The Soggies? That’s nothing. Try fighting the Borg some time.

Yzerman: Wait, you never fought the Borg!

Kirk: Yeah, but now that my timeline was “rebooted” I probably will.

Beckham: Yeah, what was up with that whole timeline alteration thing, anyway?

Kirk: Seriously, I don’t know. It didn’t make much sense to me either. But it’s not like we should have expected logic in time travel when the movie was written by the creator of Lost.

Planet: Speaking of movies, did you hear that they’re making a movie about me?

Kirk: Dear Lord, that is going to suck so hard. Is Hollywood really that out of ideas?

Planet: Yeah, pretty much. I’m just hoping that they have Vin Diesel play me.

Kirk: I would go with Rob Schneider.

Planet: Ouch, that hurts.

Author: Guys, we’re running low on time. Is there anything you’d like to add?

Planet: Yes! Always remember – the power is yours!

Author: Thank you, guys. This has been quite illuminating.

Retro Cereal of the Week

In honor of Cap'n Crunch's appearance here, we'll go with a cereal from his line: Deep Sea Crunch.

First introduced in 1993, Deep Sea Crunch was essentially the same as Crunch Berries, but the berries were shaped like sea creatures.

Apparently, the appeal of eating berries shaped like sea creatures wasn't quite enough to set the cereal apart from it's competitors, and it quickly faded from shelves.

Trivia Question

What is Cap'n Crunch's first name?

You can answer with a comment or by sending an email to TreachX@yahoo.com.

That's all for now. As always send comments or hate mail to TreachX@yahoo.com.

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