Friday, September 9, 2011

LOTW Dos and Don'ts

The Weekly Brew has received many LOTW noms in its time, and the best stories all have a common theme: drunken ridiculousness. The stories are both entertaining and sickening, and have the Brewer wishing she could witness the carnage.

However, on occasion the Brewer receives noms that tell a sad tale, in which the nominee is not so much funny and ridiculous as getting alcohol poisoning and being a burden to everyone around him/her.

To help you aspiring Lushes, the Brew has put together a guide on how to be the best LOTW and ensure a victory among the nominees. We've titled it "Don't Do What Johnny Don't Does":

"Johnny Don't" does puke behind the bar.

"Johnny Don't" does pass out while stumbling to the metro and is vulnerable to being rolled by pickpockets and loose women.

"Johnny Don't" doesn't do due diligence and does drink too much...
...Ok, even the Brewer is getting confused now. Let's try this:

DO: Get drunk and tell a chick you want to motorboat her.
Or you can motorboat yourself
DON'T: Get drunk and grab the chick's boobs, crotch, or other "special places."

Although, to be fair, girl-on-girl action is always acceptable
DO: Play Nemesis twice in a row and tell your best friend about that secret lesbian crush you have on her
DON'T: Play Nemesis six times in a row then fall over on the table breaking it in half.

DO: Play Century Club and have a blast learning about all the crazy shit your fellow NAKIDs have done in their lives.
DON'T: Decide Century Club isn't enough, do a Tap Dance, then throw up on the bartender.

DO: Take the metro to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, then challenge random people in the crowd to take you on.
DON'T: Drive to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, beer pong, and drunkball, then decide you're "okay" to drive home.

DO: Chat with friends then hit on anything that moves while drinking delicious Bud Light pitchers.
DON'T: Drink so many pitchers while you're chatting you pass out in the bar and your friends have to carry you out.

Close to unconsciousness
DO: Talk to your friendly police officer who occasionally shows up at our bars to enjoy a mid-shift meal, making small talk about the weather and possibly discussing the current state of security, all the while completely bombed out of your mind yet oddly coherent.
DON'T: Drunkenly rant at the police officer about not wanting to live in a police state, then challenge him to a fight, saying your gun is bigger than his, resulting in your arrest.

DO: Celebrate a victory in flip cup with hugs, a slap on the ass, and making out in the corner.
DON'T: Celebrate a victory in flip cup by throwing beer all over yourself and others, then slipping and knocking yourself out on the wall.

Disclaimer: She did NOT knock herself out, nor spill it on herself. But you get the idea.

DO: Dance on the bar at MBP and work the pole like you're putting yourself through "college."
DON'T: Be so sloppy you fall off the bar onto a bartender.

DO: Be a chick and allow people to touch your special places.

DON'T: Be a dude and not wait for permission

And I don't have a DO for this, but DON'T: Pick a fight with Bear. Ever.

So there you are. This list is not comprehensive, to be sure, but it should help those of you who are hoping to own a LOTW bandana of your very own.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: The Joys of Recruitment

Registration for the fall season has opened. That means that team captains are scurrying about, trying to get their rosters filled.
When building their team roster, some team captains are of the “the more the merrier” mindset in which they want their team to be as large as possible.
"I think we only need a couple more people!"
I can see the merits of this approach. More people on the team equals more people to hang out and party with. A large roster also helps counter the inevitable erosion of a team’s roster that occurs throughout a season.
Other captains prefer smaller teams. They feel that with a smaller roster, the team is more intimate, and everyone gets more playing time.
But even the smallest team needs to have over twenty people on it, so the captains are going to have to find a way to get players aboard.
So how does one go about building a team?
For a returning team, the process is usually pretty simple. The captain tells the team members “Hey, we’re coming back. Sign up.” Unless the team really sucks or the captain is a huge douchebag (and sometimes because of it), many of them do indeed return.
For a new team, the process can be more complex. Usually a team will start out with a core group of people who then recruit their friends and associates to fill out the roster. Theoretically, this works wonderfully, as friends of friends are introduced and social circles are expanded, and everyone has a splendid time.
Of course sometimes the friends of friends don’t get along so well and the team turns out to be a disaster. Or sometimes the people who got talked into joining decide that kickball “just isn’t their thing” and quit the team. (I know, I know. It seems strange to me too, but some people just don’t like having fun.)
Aside from combing their social circles, there are a few ways to get more players onto a team:
You could just hope that random people sign up for the team. Sometimes these randoms are awesome people who just haven’t found the right team yet. And other times, they’re just weirdos. Either way, it should at least be an interesting experience. 
 "Hi!  I'm your new teammate!"
Some captains like to solicit their team on Facebook. Personally, I’ve never liked that approach since I try to be more exclusive about who is on my team. And with my natural charisma, good looks, and modesty, people tend to flock to my team anyway. 
But for teams that need some roster padding, it seems like a reasonably good way to get word out.
One method that has caused some problems in the past is when captains poach players from other teams. Sometimes people would genuinely be a better fit on a different team. But when teams actively recruit players off of existing teams, it can lead to hostility and bitterness.
On the other hand, I’ve mentioned before that a little bit of rivalry can be good for the league. So maybe teammate poaching is just the thing we need. I fully encourage every team captain to steal a player from another team this weekend.
Just don’t try to steal anyone from my team. They’ll only end up disappointed. And I might have to cut you.
Retro Cereal of the Week
Our featured cereal this week is OJ's.

Round in shape and orange in color, OJ's claimed to have some nutritional value, containing actual fruit juice and the same amount of vitamin C as a glass of orange juice.
But if history has taught us one thing, it is that children’s cereals that claim to be nutritious typically don’t fare too well. Kids want sugar and marshmallows, not juice and vitamins! OJs only lasted about a year before heading to the big orchard in the sky.
As a child, I loved these things. I wasn’t allowed to have sugary cereals on school days, so this was a close to a “fun” cereal as I was going to get. I have fond memories of waking up and watching Voltron while enjoying a bowl of OJ's. I was quite saddened by their demise.
And as usual, we conclude with a Link that may (or may not) be an Embarrassing Picture of Dan Boger!
Yeah, it's not a picture of him.  But I figured the picture above was torture enough.