Thursday, December 1, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: Captains Round Table - Take Two

Last time I had a round table discussion among famous captains, it seemed to go over well.  So I decided to bring in some other famous captains and hear what they had to say.
Joining us today are:
Captain N: The Game Master - Digitized superhero
Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirate of the Caribbean
Captain America - Leader of the Avengers
Captain Kangaroo - Former children’s’ TV show host
Steve Nash - Captain of the Phoenix Suns

Author: Thanks to everyone for being here. I’ll start out by asking you if there have been any experiences that helped make you a better captain.
America: I’d have to say that getting injected with a special formula and made into a perfect human being was probably the most important thing that happened to me.
Kangaroo: I never quite understood that. Our plan to fight the Nazis was to scientifically create a blond haired, blue eyed superhuman? Were they trying to be ironic?
Nash: Captain America? I’ve never even heard of you.
America: Well, that’s probably because you’re Canadian. In America, I’m considered a hero and a national icon.
Nash: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean much these days. I mean, so is the pirate.
America: I’m not exactly familiar with him. Why is he famous?
Sparrow: How the bloody hell do you not know who I am? Do you ever watch TV?  Disney isn’t exactly subtle in their marketing. 
Kangaroo: You’re not kidding! I went to Disney World and went on Pirates of the Caribbean expecting the classic ride. And what do I get instead? Jack Sparrow all over the place!
Sparrow: Even I thought that was a bit gratuitous.
Kangaroo: And I’m still upset that they got rid of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea! That was my favorite ride!
America: Do they still have Mission to Mars?
Kangaroo: No, they got rid of that one too! 
America: Damn!
Author: Sorry to interrupt, but can we get back--
Kangaroo: And then I’m out shopping and I see them selling Jack Sparrow lunchboxes! I remember when lunchboxes were reserved for the greats. Check out this beauty!

Nash: You had a lunchbox? Wait a second, who are you? I just thought you were the janitor or something.
Kangaroo: You don’t remember me? I was a beloved children’s television show host!
Nash: They let you around children? Looking like that?
Kangaroo: It was the 70s! Everyone dressed a little strangely.
Nash: Yeah, no offense, but you look like a pedophile. Honestly, I’d probably rather Jerry Sandusky look after my kids.
Everyone: (Awkward groaning)
Nash: What, too soon?
Sparrow: (Looking at Captain N) So what the hell are you supposed to be?
N: (Looks up from the Nintendo 3DS he has been concentrating on the entire time) Huh?
Sparrow: You, what’s your deal?
N: Oh sorry, I was just wrapped up playing Super Mario on the Nintendo 3DS.  It’s an amazing game!  Anyway, I’m Captain N. One day I was playing Nintendo and I was pulled into the TV, and I had to save Videoland! I got to fight alongside Simon Belmont. The same Simon Belmont who can be found in the exciting game Castlevania: Judgment on the Nintendo Wii!
Sparrow: So you’re basically a walking advertisement for Nintendo? And people say I whore myself out.
N: Hey, that’s not fair! I’m just trying to let everyone know that Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is now available! You know, I met Link once. He’s taller than you’d expect.
Kangaroo: You got sucked into a computer and had to play video games? Back in my day, we called that Tron!
N: (Sighs) Yeah, it really was kind of a rip-off of Tron. Here was the funny thing about the whole situation: They thought I was some sort of expert video game player. But really, I kind of sucked at them.
Nash: Yeah, you seemed to be having a lot of trouble just beating King Hippo. Hey, who do you think would win in a fight? King Hippo or Captain Kangaroo?
Sparrow: (looks disdainfully at Captain Kangaroo) King Hippo.
Kangaroo: How can you say that? He’s morbidly obese!
Sparrow: You’re no supermodel yourself.
Nash: We gonna wrap this up soon? Apparently, the NBA lockup is ending, so I’ll have to actually start working again.
Author: Speaking of that…how have you been spending all your free time?
Nash: Here’s a hint: It rhymes with “woking smeed.” It’s not like they could test me for it! 
America: I certainly don’t approve of that! Drugs are bad!
Nash:  You’re one to talk, Mr. Super Soldier. Without drugs, you’d be skinnier than me.
America: Those drugs were taken in the name of freedom!
Nash: Sure they were, pal. Sure they were. Besides, drugs are the only way I can stand watching those stupid Pirate movies.
N: Yeah, those are way too boring for me.
Sparrow: Boring? I’m boring you all the way to the bank!
Kangaroo: In my day, we had classy pirates like Errol Flynn! Not freak shows like this guy!
Nash: And yet he still seemed masculine in comparison to Orlando Bloom. What happened to that guy? We wanted to like him! He was Legolas! Everyone loved Legolas! But every time he’s on screen now, I just want to punch him.
Sparrow: You’re not kidding. You know he perms his hair?
Nash: You ever talk to Richard Greico?
Sparrow: Yeah, sometimes he calls my house and just rants for about an hour. “It should have been me! I should have been Jack Sparrow! I should have been Edward Scissorhands! I should have been Batman!”
N: But you didn’t play Batman!
Sparrow: I know, but apparently he really hates Christian Bale. The guy’s got issues.
Author: Well guys, we’re just about out of time. Anything else you’d like to add?
N: Don’t forget to pick up Super Mario Wii!  It’s great fun for all ages!
Nash: Uh, you don’t happen to have any marij-
Author: And that’s all the time we have!  Thank you all for coming!

Retro Cereal of the Week
As Captain N would have surely told you, Nintendo used to have its own cereal: The Nintendo Cereal System!

Each box was split into two halves with each half housing a different cereal.  One was based on Super Mario Bros. with fruity Mario shapes, and the other had a Legend of Zelda theme with berry flavored Links. Apparently, neither kind tasted very good.
Children of the 80s might have loved Nintendo, but apparently not enough to buy a crappy tasting cereal just because it was Nintendo-themed.  After a couple of years, the cereal was discontinued.

Normally at this time, I’d provide a link that may or may not be an embarrassing picture of Dan Boger. But I’ve decided to retire that particular feature.
But I will not take away without giving you something in return.  So I’d like to introduce to our new closing feature…The Boger Meme! Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: The Great Debate - Indoor vs. Outdoor

If there’s one thing that I enjoy doing, it is bringing up questions for debate, making cases for both sides of the argument, and then ultimately deciding nothing.
So in that spirit, the latest question I will not answer is this: Are NAKID sports better when played indoors or outdoors?
Back in the day, there was really no reason for debate.  Regardless of whether you preferred your kickball to be played indoors or outdoors, you didn’t actually have a choice.  The winter season was for indoor kickball, and spring and fall were for outdoor kickball.  Everyone grudgingly accepted this and went about their business.

Guess it's time for indoor kickball

But now that both indoor and outdoor sports are offered during the summer and fall seasons, the question becomes more pertinent.  Or at least as pertinent as a question about social sports can be.
The biggest advantage for the indoor sports would seem to be the weather, or more accurately, the lack thereof.  No matter what the weather may be like outside, the conditions inside the YMCA gym are always perfect for playing sports.
In contrast, outdoor sports are always subject to the whims of Mother Nature.  And as anyone who played on Sundays this past fall can tell you, she can be a real bitch sometimes.
For the first few weeks of the season we had ball-meltingly hot temperatures.  It got so bad that I think a couple people might have spontaneously combusted one week.  For some reason, people tend to forget just how hot it gets in Washington during the summer, but those early games were a strong reminder. 
A scene from the National Mall in August. Yes, there are mountains in Washington now.
After the heat finally broke we got weeks upon weeks of rain.  While this might have been beneficial for the grass, it didn’t exactly enhance the kickball playing experience.
Nature finally relented slightly and we got some nice weather towards the end of the season.  But nature was apparently just teasing us, and for the weekend of the playoffs we suffered through unseasonable cold and a steady rain.
So at first glance, it would seem that the indoor sports have a huge advantage here. 
But on the other hand, aren’t the indoor players missing out on all the nice weather that we sometimes get? 
On the days when conditions are perfect, it seems like kind of a waste to be stuck inside.  When it’s 80 degrees and sunny, isn’t it nice to get to run around outside for an hour or so? 
So basically, as I mentioned at the start, I haven’t really taken a definitive stand on either side of the argument.  If you read this far expecting something different, then that’s your own fault.  It’s kind of like going to an Adam Sandler movie and expecting some sort of highbrow entertainment.
Speaking of Sandler, what happened to him?  His early movies were funny as hell.  And now, I’d be embarrassed to tell anyone that I was going to see one of his movies. 
I thought maybe it was because I’ve gotten older and my tastes have matured.  But I can still watch Happy Gilmore and laugh.  Would 19 year-old me think Jack and Jill was funny?  I can’t imagine that I would.
I’m just disappointed that AWESOM-O can’t come up with any ideas better than “Adam Sandler plays his own twin sister.”
Anyway, getting back to the original subject matter, perhaps I’ll present some further arguments the next time I get bored and decide to write something.
But for now, I’ll talk about another defunct cereal.
Retro Cereal of the Week
This week’s cerealicious blast from the past is Morning Funnies.

The main draw of this cereal was that the box featured comic strips from some of the day’s “favorite” Sunday comics.  I’m not sure exactly who considered Hi and Lois or Tiger to be among their favorite comics, but I suppose that some people out there might have really loved them.
It’s hard to figure how this cereal would have been successful.  Unless the cereal tasted really, really amazing, how much business could they expect from a comic strip gimmick?  Were they hoping that a large percentage of Americans simply couldn’t wait until Sunday to read new color comics, and were craving a mid-week fix?  
And it doesn’t seem like they’d get much repeat business either.  While there were a few different box variations, was there really any motivation to buy a box once you had already read the comics the first time?
Apparently, the back flap of the box which contained the comics was considered to be a big innovation in the world of cereal box manufacturing.  According to this guy’s LinkedIn profile, he won an award for it:

And we shall conclude with another link that may (or may not) be an embarrassing picture of Dan Boger:

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: It's Back...with Answers

It's been a while since I wrote anything here.  So I'm sure you have some questions.  But don't worry, I have answers.

Q: Why hasn't the Brew been updated much recently?

A: Because I haven't had much free time.

Sorry, let me start over.  My fourth grade teacher used to teach that we should never begin an answer with 'Because.' She said we should include the question in the answer. So, the above sentence should read 'The Brew hasn't been updated much recently because I haven't had much free time.'

The annoying thing about giving complete answers like that (aside from the extra effort it took) was that the worksheets we were given didn't provide much space to write the answer to the question. So we’d end up having to write part of the answers on the margins of the paper. I'm guessing that they assumed that most students would not include the question as part of their answer.

I don't want to come off as negative towards my fourth grade teacher. Ms. Murray was a very good teacher, and probably the best teacher I had in elementary school. Making students put in a little extra effort is probably a very good thing. But it was just a little annoying at the time.

In hindsight, one thing that bothers me about elementary school is how much emphasis they placed on having good handwriting. Has having poor handwriting ever held anyone back?  I mean, maybe it might exclude you from a career as a calligrapher, but that's about it.

I'll give the teachers the benefit of the doubt since they probably didn't realize just how computer based society would be in 2011. But still, it seems like there were much more important lessons that they could be teaching children instead of “you need to have nice handwriting.

Of course, if I had to read and grade a bunch of papers from students, I’d probably want them all to have clear handwriting too.

As far as the original question goes, I'll elaborate by saying that I write stuff for the Brew in my spare time. But my job has required me to do a lot of actual work lately, and I feel like I should also spend some time with my family. 

You may disagree with my decision, but look at it this way: If I neglect the Kickball Ramblings, chances are that it won't start taking drugs or become a stripper when it gets older.  On the other hand, I feel it is my utmost responsibility to prevent that from happening to my daughter.

It could happen

Q: I am on several different teams. When I go to the party this weekend, which team should I hang out with?

A: The one with the most attractive people obviously. 

But if you can't decide which team is the most attractive, or if you'd like to be a little less shallow, I suppose you can just hang out with the people who are the most enjoyable to be around. Or is that too obvious of an answer?

You could always avoid the problem by spreading your time around equally. I mean, there's no rule saying you have to spend all your time with the same people. 

Or you could even try to venture out and meet new people.  You might even meet people that are more fun than your teammates.

Q: I think I might drink too much.  How can I tell?

A: It all depends on how you behave when you drink.

If you frequently wake up in unknown places or next to unknown people, then you might drink too much.

If you become angry and violent when drunk, then you might drink too much.

If you often require the assistance of other people just to survive the night, then you might drink too much.

But if you’re the type of person who gets happy and more pleasant to be around when you’re drunk, then you probably don’t drink enough.

Q: My team sucked last season.  Do you have any advice as to how we can improve?

A: Yes, you should find a new team. You’ve already established yourselves as a bunch of losers, so your best hope is to split up and hope the loser taint hasn’t infected you each individually.

Then again, if your team was still able to have a good time despite the losing, then you might want to reconsider. It isn't that hard to turn a losing squad into a team that is at least competitive.  But finding a fun team? That can be considerably harder.

Sometimes all it takes to improve is having another year of experience. And you could always try to add some more athletic players to the team.  

And isn't it somewhat more rewarding to help a losing team develop into a winning one rather than simply jumping to an already loaded team?

Retro Cereal of the Week

In honor of Halloween, our featured cereal from the past will be Fruity Yummy Mummy.

FYM was part of the Count Chocula/Franken Berry family of monster cereals.  It was introduced in 1987 to replace the similar tasting Fruit Brute, which featured a werewolf.

Apparently, General Mills thought that a mummy would be more effective in selling cereal to children than a werewolf.  They were wrong, as FYM only lasted a few years before being similarly discontinued.

Here's a commercial:

That isn't exactly what I'd imagine a mummy's voice to sound like.

Apparently, General Mills has now made the decision to only sell their monster cereals during the Halloween season.  So if you’re a big fan of Count Chocula or Boo Berry, I suggest that you stock up this week.

Friday, September 9, 2011

LOTW Dos and Don'ts

The Weekly Brew has received many LOTW noms in its time, and the best stories all have a common theme: drunken ridiculousness. The stories are both entertaining and sickening, and have the Brewer wishing she could witness the carnage.

However, on occasion the Brewer receives noms that tell a sad tale, in which the nominee is not so much funny and ridiculous as getting alcohol poisoning and being a burden to everyone around him/her.

To help you aspiring Lushes, the Brew has put together a guide on how to be the best LOTW and ensure a victory among the nominees. We've titled it "Don't Do What Johnny Don't Does":

"Johnny Don't" does puke behind the bar.

"Johnny Don't" does pass out while stumbling to the metro and is vulnerable to being rolled by pickpockets and loose women.

"Johnny Don't" doesn't do due diligence and does drink too much...
...Ok, even the Brewer is getting confused now. Let's try this:

DO: Get drunk and tell a chick you want to motorboat her.
Or you can motorboat yourself
DON'T: Get drunk and grab the chick's boobs, crotch, or other "special places."

Although, to be fair, girl-on-girl action is always acceptable
DO: Play Nemesis twice in a row and tell your best friend about that secret lesbian crush you have on her
DON'T: Play Nemesis six times in a row then fall over on the table breaking it in half.

DO: Play Century Club and have a blast learning about all the crazy shit your fellow NAKIDs have done in their lives.
DON'T: Decide Century Club isn't enough, do a Tap Dance, then throw up on the bartender.

DO: Take the metro to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, then challenge random people in the crowd to take you on.
DON'T: Drive to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, beer pong, and drunkball, then decide you're "okay" to drive home.

DO: Chat with friends then hit on anything that moves while drinking delicious Bud Light pitchers.
DON'T: Drink so many pitchers while you're chatting you pass out in the bar and your friends have to carry you out.

Close to unconsciousness
DO: Talk to your friendly police officer who occasionally shows up at our bars to enjoy a mid-shift meal, making small talk about the weather and possibly discussing the current state of security, all the while completely bombed out of your mind yet oddly coherent.
DON'T: Drunkenly rant at the police officer about not wanting to live in a police state, then challenge him to a fight, saying your gun is bigger than his, resulting in your arrest.

DO: Celebrate a victory in flip cup with hugs, a slap on the ass, and making out in the corner.
DON'T: Celebrate a victory in flip cup by throwing beer all over yourself and others, then slipping and knocking yourself out on the wall.

Disclaimer: She did NOT knock herself out, nor spill it on herself. But you get the idea.

DO: Dance on the bar at MBP and work the pole like you're putting yourself through "college."
DON'T: Be so sloppy you fall off the bar onto a bartender.

DO: Be a chick and allow people to touch your special places.

DON'T: Be a dude and not wait for permission

And I don't have a DO for this, but DON'T: Pick a fight with Bear. Ever.

So there you are. This list is not comprehensive, to be sure, but it should help those of you who are hoping to own a LOTW bandana of your very own.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: The Joys of Recruitment

Registration for the fall season has opened. That means that team captains are scurrying about, trying to get their rosters filled.
When building their team roster, some team captains are of the “the more the merrier” mindset in which they want their team to be as large as possible.
"I think we only need a couple more people!"
I can see the merits of this approach. More people on the team equals more people to hang out and party with. A large roster also helps counter the inevitable erosion of a team’s roster that occurs throughout a season.
Other captains prefer smaller teams. They feel that with a smaller roster, the team is more intimate, and everyone gets more playing time.
But even the smallest team needs to have over twenty people on it, so the captains are going to have to find a way to get players aboard.
So how does one go about building a team?
For a returning team, the process is usually pretty simple. The captain tells the team members “Hey, we’re coming back. Sign up.” Unless the team really sucks or the captain is a huge douchebag (and sometimes because of it), many of them do indeed return.
For a new team, the process can be more complex. Usually a team will start out with a core group of people who then recruit their friends and associates to fill out the roster. Theoretically, this works wonderfully, as friends of friends are introduced and social circles are expanded, and everyone has a splendid time.
Of course sometimes the friends of friends don’t get along so well and the team turns out to be a disaster. Or sometimes the people who got talked into joining decide that kickball “just isn’t their thing” and quit the team. (I know, I know. It seems strange to me too, but some people just don’t like having fun.)
Aside from combing their social circles, there are a few ways to get more players onto a team:
You could just hope that random people sign up for the team. Sometimes these randoms are awesome people who just haven’t found the right team yet. And other times, they’re just weirdos. Either way, it should at least be an interesting experience. 
 "Hi!  I'm your new teammate!"
Some captains like to solicit their team on Facebook. Personally, I’ve never liked that approach since I try to be more exclusive about who is on my team. And with my natural charisma, good looks, and modesty, people tend to flock to my team anyway. 
But for teams that need some roster padding, it seems like a reasonably good way to get word out.
One method that has caused some problems in the past is when captains poach players from other teams. Sometimes people would genuinely be a better fit on a different team. But when teams actively recruit players off of existing teams, it can lead to hostility and bitterness.
On the other hand, I’ve mentioned before that a little bit of rivalry can be good for the league. So maybe teammate poaching is just the thing we need. I fully encourage every team captain to steal a player from another team this weekend.
Just don’t try to steal anyone from my team. They’ll only end up disappointed. And I might have to cut you.
Retro Cereal of the Week
Our featured cereal this week is OJ's.

Round in shape and orange in color, OJ's claimed to have some nutritional value, containing actual fruit juice and the same amount of vitamin C as a glass of orange juice.
But if history has taught us one thing, it is that children’s cereals that claim to be nutritious typically don’t fare too well. Kids want sugar and marshmallows, not juice and vitamins! OJs only lasted about a year before heading to the big orchard in the sky.
As a child, I loved these things. I wasn’t allowed to have sugary cereals on school days, so this was a close to a “fun” cereal as I was going to get. I have fond memories of waking up and watching Voltron while enjoying a bowl of OJ's. I was quite saddened by their demise.
And as usual, we conclude with a Link that may (or may not) be an Embarrassing Picture of Dan Boger!
Yeah, it's not a picture of him.  But I figured the picture above was torture enough.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

NAKID Power Hour!

I still remember the first time I heard about a Power Hour--drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour--I thought it was the greatest idea man has ever had. I called up my brother who had a better computer than I did and asked him to make me a power hour CD (one minute from each of 60 songs).

He told me to go to hell.

I asked him if instead I could borrow his computer to create my own CD. That was ok. After looking through his personal files I started on my CD, diligently cutting out the best minute from each song instead of just using the first minute like a slacker (because unless that first minute is the opening of Europe's "Final Countdown," it's just not gonna get you fired up). Finally, after hours of hard work, I had the perfect Power Hour CD.

I have absolutely no idea where that damn thing is right now.

So tomorrow when NAKID has its first of (we hope) many Power Hours, we will not be using my magic CD. However, for $20 you can get all the beer you need for the Power Hour and an awesome NAKID shotglass to take home with you!

Rumor has it there are surprises in store as well, so come to Hamilton's tomorrow at 8pm (but RSVP first so we know how much space to reserve!) and relive those magic binge drinking days!

...ok, we know, we still binge drink, but this time you get a shot glass!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: A Day in the Life of a NAKID - The No-Show

Editor's note: A few seasons ago The Kickball Ramblings started a series depicting a day in the life of various types of NAKIDs (to be combined in the future into an easy reference). Here is the next installment.

This is another look at a Day in the Life of a NAKID. While the subjects described might be fictional stereotypes, I’m sure you might recognize them anyway.

In this installment, I will chronicle the day of The Girl Who Doesn't Show Up to the Game.

7:30 AM – She climbs out of bed and undergoes her normal weekday pre-work routine.

9:10 AM – After settling in at work, she checks her personal email. She sees an email from the captain of her kickball team asking if she's coming to the game tonight.

9:11 AM – She suddenly realizes that it's Thursday and she was supposed to go to kickball...except she forgot to bring her stuff with her.

9:12 AM – She re-reads the email and sees that it is directed to just a few people on the team who didn't respond to the game invite he had sent out. Apparently, the team is short on girls, so he needs some of them to come or else they'll give up penalty runs. She assumes that this is a bad thing.

9:15 AM – She internally wavers about whether or not to go. She wants to go, but it would be a huge pain to have to stop back home and then go to the Mall. But she's already missed two games, and it feels like a waste of money if she doesn't go. Plus, she supposes that the team does need her because of those penalty runs or whatever.

9:30 AM – She emails two of her friends on the team to see if they're going to the game.

12:03 PM – She takes her lunch break and checks her email again. One of her friends has emailed her back saying that she was going to go, but she's tired and is going to skip the game.

2:05 PM – The captain emails her again. He says that they could really use her, but she needs to let him know one way or another. This is too much pressure!

3:00 PM – Her other friend emails her back saying that she's going, encouraging her to go.

3:05 PM – After further internal debate, she decides that she'll go to the game. She'll have to leave work a little early in order to make it home and then back to the Mall in time.

3:07 PM – She emails the captain telling him that she's coming, but because she has to go home, she might be a little late.

3:10 PM – The captain writes back, encouraging her to try to make it on time because they only have four girls coming, and if she isn't there at the start, they have to give up a penalty run. She decides that he is a bit obsessed with these penalty runs.

3:12 PM – She starts to get angry at the other girls on the team for being so flaky. There are like 20 girls on the team, so why is it up to her to be on time?

4:30 PM – She has to leave by 5:30, but she isn't close to being done with her work. She once again considers simply skipping the game.

5:35 PM – Despite not being finished with her work, she leaves the office and walks to the Metro.

5:54 PM – What a surprise – there's a delay on the Metro. She texts her friend so that she can tell the captain that she's almost definitely going to be late.

6:02 PM – The Metro finally arrives, and she gets on board a crowded, hot train.

6:08 PM – The train is moving painfully slow.

6:16 PM – She finally arrives at her stop. She fights her way through the gate and up the escalator.

6:24 PM – She enters her apartment, already exhausted.

6:26 PM – After throwing down her work stuff, she goes rifling through her hamper trying to find her NAKID shirt.

6:29 PM – She can't find her shirt, so she just grabs a random red shirt.

6:32 PM – She tries to remember where she left her sneakers.  She begins digging through her closet.

6:39 PM – After finding her sneakers, she runs out the door. She considers taking a cab to the game, but doesn't want to spend the money. She takes her chances with the Metro.

6:42 PM – She reaches the Metro. She hopes that she'll just make a train. When she arrives, she sees that there is an eight minute wait for the train. Realizing that she'll be late anyway, she finally gives up and heads back to her apartment.

6:43 PM – She texts her friend telling her that she's not going to make it.

6:51 PM – She arrives back home and finally relaxes. Her spirits rise after eating dinner and watching a rerun of How I Met Your Mother.

The Next Day

9:10 AM – She checks her email to find a nasty email from her team captain. He says that since only two girls came to the game, they gave up three penalty runs (seriously, get over it, dude!) and ended up losing by one run. He sarcastically thanks the girls who said they were going to come and simply didn't show up.

9:11 AM – She becomes angry at all the other girls on the team who didn't show up. She makes a vow to remember to bring her stuff with her next week so she can actually make the game.

Trivia Question

Cap'n Crunch's first name is Horatio. Because she is a master of Google, Alena once again correctly answered the question.

This week's question: The Phillie Phanatic is obviously the greatest baseball mascot. Who do I consider to be the 2nd best?

Answers can be submitted via comment or by emailing me at

Who's got their JORTS ready?!?

This Saturday NAKID is celebrating the mid-point of its summer season with lots of free beer, free jello shots, and JORTS! You may be thinking, "JORTS? WTF?" But no, JORTS does not refer to Josh "Jorts" Harrellson, the basketball player from Kentucky who recently stopped a drunk driver from killing his friends:

He liked his JORTS
In fact, we are referring to jean shorts:

So much chafing
Ok. That was mean. Here's a better pic:

I think my dad still owns a pair like this. He calls them "Bermudas"
Homemade or store-bought, knee-length or daisy dukes--pick whichever style suits your fancy.

Again, I know what you're thinking: "Seriously? I don't even own these things. What the hell am I supposed to do?" Well, you're in luck. Here's a handy guide to obtaining some JORTS of your very own. First, get your tools together:

Just take an old pair of jeans that you've been meaning to give to goodwill but have been too lazy to drop off at the donation spot and mark on them the leg length you are comfortable with. Then, take the pair of scissors and cut straight across:

Ta-da! You have JORTS!

Now, don't go washing these after you've cut them. Getting too much of a fray will ruin the whole point of the JORTS--that you were wearing jeans but just got too darn hot.

We're looking forward to seeing all you NAKIDs in your JORTS, and we'll have plenty of beer and jello shots to make you forget that you're wearing this ridiculous clothing item. And normally we'd tell any wearer of JORTS that they have no hope of hooking up while wearing them, but in this case, when everyone is crazy, doesn't that make us all sane? (For those that are having trouble with the metaphor, that means that you should still be able to find a partner even in your JORTS.)

The party starts at 5pm at Hamilton's and My Brother's Place. We'll check in people from 5-7, then from 8-10. Arrive after 10 and you're SOL. Free for registered players and $10 for friends of NAKIDs (and please don't try to commit identity theft by saying your friend is on your team--we're checking IDs-- and don't whine when your friends have to pay $10 to get in. It's $10 for free beer all night!)

And don't forget your JORTS!

p.s. JORTS must always be in all caps. The Brew's will be done.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Lots of people, few shenanigans...

Week 2 Thursday Summer 2011

Everyone packed the bars on Thursday night, but there was very little crazyiness going on. On the one hand, no one got arrested. On the other hand, the Brew doesn't have much to talk about.

But the Brew will say HUZZAH! to Spitzer Swallows for being the last man standing in MBP and starting the dance party:

Spitzer knows how to get down

Five Questions:

Rian, I Kicked a Ball and I Liked It
1) What do you love about NAKID? Dancing on the bar
2) What movie do you have to watch until the end when it's on TV? Dark Knight
3) Does size matter?
4) What was your favorite after school special topic? D.A.R.E.
5) Cup size: 36 C (and a teammate remarks "You gave her your real size?!?")

Taris, Get Some
1) What do you love about NAKID? It's the most fun night of the week
2) What movie do you have to watch until the end when it's on TV? A Few Good Men
3) Does size matter? Let's just say I've never had that problem
4) What was your favorite after school special topic? Not sure if serious
5) Cup size: I'm more of an ass/legs kind of guy

No LOTW this week, but we like to watch you try!

"I Don't Remember Saying That"

If it's got cum in it, I don't care. I'll drink it. - Jeff, We Beat Parker Lewis

Say something about a good looking guy with a beard....That's it. - Pete, Get Some

I want an ape coming at me. - Erin, We Beat Parker Lewis

You and your fancy 3D. I remember being excited for a talkie! - Dave, We Beat Parker Lewis

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: O Captain, My Captain

Congratulations! You have decided to captain a kickball/volleyball/dodgeball team. You now get to play for free! Captaining is awesome!

But wait a second…apparently this captaining job comes with real responsibilities. People are now looking to you for leadership and information. And all you wanted was free registration and to have your name at the top of the team’s roster. Unless you want to simply shirk all your duties as captain (which is one of the douchiest things you can do in NAKID) you’re going to have to put in some effort.

I’m not saying you need to dedicate all of your time and energy towards captaining. Not everyone has the time nor desire to spend hours carefully cultivating a lineup, and then later writing a lengthy “recap” email that only minimally touches on what happened in the game.

No, that is the territory of only the truly great captains. For the rest of you mere mortals, you can probably do a suitable job with a lot less effort.

The way I see it, a captain simply needs to facilitate his team having fun and put them in a position to win games. Whether or not a team actually has fun or wins is largely up to the team itself, but a good captain can go a long way toward making that happen.

Of course, this can be a tough balance. Even on the most fun of teams, people will get discouraged if they lose all their games and aren't competitive. And on the other hand, if a captain takes the desire to win too far, it’s not as much fun for everybody.

Remember, this is a social league, so captains should try their best not to be like this guy:

To get further insight into captaining, I held a roundtable discussion. I gathered up some famous captains and tried to get their opinion on things.

Joining us today are:
Steve Yzerman, former Detroit Red Wings captain.
Captain Planet, environmental superhero.
David Beckham, captain of the British soccer team.

James T. Kirk, captain of the Starship Enterprise.

Cap’n Crunch, cereal spokesperson.

Let’s start out by asking what makes you a successful captain?

Planet: Combining the powers of earth, water, wind, fire, and heart!

Crunch: Being part of a nutritious breakfast!

Beckham: I’ll be honest with you. It’s my good looks. I mean, if I didn’t look like a model, would anyone really give a crap about me?

Kirk: I’m going to agree with that. My good looks made me an effective leader and allowed me to have sex with women of all sorts of alien races.

Author: In NAKID we call that “pulling a Randy.”

Yzerman: But you don’t have to be good looking. In Canada, I'm still considered a sex symbol, eh?

Beckham: You play hockey, so expectations are lowered. In football it is a different story. I owe almost all of my fame to my looks and the fact that I married a pop star.

Kirk: *laughs* A pop star? I wouldn’t go quite that far.

Beckham: Hey, the Spice Girls first album went platinum eight times, you know.

Planet: I love the song "Wannabe!"

Kirk: Which one was your wife?

Beckham: The skinny brunette with the disproportionately big rack.

Yzerman: And yet, more people in America know who she is than me. And I won the Stanley Cup three times!

Beckham: Americans at least consider hockey to be a major sport. I came to the States and the sport still couldn’t draw ratings.

Yzerman: Major sport? Hardly. Maybe in places like Washington where the local teams have been so bad that they’ll jump aboard the bandwagon of any team that gives them some hope. But most of the country doesn't give a crap.

Beckham: Well, isn’t it considered to be “cool” to like hockey?

Yzerman: Maybe back in the 90s, eh? Hockey stopped being cool right around the same time when your wife actually had a career. You want to know how unnoticed hockey is in the U.S? That picture up there? It isn’t even me! I just Googled “bald Canadian” and grabbed a random picture. And sadly, I bet only about two people reading this even noticed, eh?

Beckham: I don’t get Americans. All a bunch of wankers if you ask me. Especially that Landon Donovan guy. If he's considered the country's best player, no wonder the sport isn't popular here.

Crunch: Hate to interrupt, fellas, but does anyone remember back in the 80s when I went missing and there was a big contest to figure out where I went?

Beckham: What the hell are you talking about?

Crunch: It was a big deal! It turned out I was in outer space fighting the Soggies. They’re an alien race dedicated to making cereal soggy.

Yzerman: And you stopped them? You’re like two feet tall, eh? What did you do to them, cut the roof of their mouths?

Crunch: Cap’n Crunch does not cut the roof of your mouth! Those are lies! Lies!

Kirk: The Soggies? That’s nothing. Try fighting the Borg some time.

Yzerman: Wait, you never fought the Borg!

Kirk: Yeah, but now that my timeline was “rebooted” I probably will.

Beckham: Yeah, what was up with that whole timeline alteration thing, anyway?

Kirk: Seriously, I don’t know. It didn’t make much sense to me either. But it’s not like we should have expected logic in time travel when the movie was written by the creator of Lost.

Planet: Speaking of movies, did you hear that they’re making a movie about me?

Kirk: Dear Lord, that is going to suck so hard. Is Hollywood really that out of ideas?

Planet: Yeah, pretty much. I’m just hoping that they have Vin Diesel play me.

Kirk: I would go with Rob Schneider.

Planet: Ouch, that hurts.

Author: Guys, we’re running low on time. Is there anything you’d like to add?

Planet: Yes! Always remember – the power is yours!

Author: Thank you, guys. This has been quite illuminating.

Retro Cereal of the Week

In honor of Cap'n Crunch's appearance here, we'll go with a cereal from his line: Deep Sea Crunch.

First introduced in 1993, Deep Sea Crunch was essentially the same as Crunch Berries, but the berries were shaped like sea creatures.

Apparently, the appeal of eating berries shaped like sea creatures wasn't quite enough to set the cereal apart from it's competitors, and it quickly faded from shelves.

Trivia Question

What is Cap'n Crunch's first name?

You can answer with a comment or by sending an email to

That's all for now. As always send comments or hate mail to