Last time I had a round table discussion among famous captains, it seemed to go over well. So I decided to bring in some other famous captains and hear what they had to say.
Joining us today are:
Captain N: The Game Master - Digitized superhero
Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirate of the Caribbean
Captain America - Leader of the Avengers
Captain Kangaroo - Former children’s’ TV show host
Steve Nash - Captain of the Phoenix Suns
Author: Thanks to everyone for being here. I’ll start out by asking you if there have been any experiences that helped make you a better captain.
America: I’d have to say that getting injected with a special formula and made into a perfect human being was probably the most important thing that happened to me.
Kangaroo: I never quite understood that. Our plan to fight the Nazis was to scientifically create a blond haired, blue eyed superhuman? Were they trying to be ironic?
Nash: Captain America? I’ve never even heard of you.
America: Well, that’s probably because you’re Canadian. In America, I’m considered a hero and a national icon.
Nash: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean much these days. I mean, so is the pirate.
America: I’m not exactly familiar with him. Why is he famous?
Sparrow: How the bloody hell do you not know who I am? Do you ever watch TV? Disney isn’t exactly subtle in their marketing.
Kangaroo: You’re not kidding! I went to Disney World and went on Pirates of the Caribbean expecting the classic ride. And what do I get instead? Jack Sparrow all over the place!
Sparrow: Even I thought that was a bit gratuitous.
Kangaroo: And I’m still upset that they got rid of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea! That was my favorite ride!
America: Do they still have Mission to Mars?
Kangaroo: No, they got rid of that one too!
Author: Sorry to interrupt, but can we get back--
Kangaroo: And then I’m out shopping and I see them selling Jack Sparrow lunchboxes! I remember when lunchboxes were reserved for the greats. Check out this beauty!
Nash: You had a lunchbox? Wait a second, who are you? I just thought you were the janitor or something.
Kangaroo: You don’t remember me? I was a beloved children’s television show host!
Nash: They let you around children? Looking like that?
Kangaroo: It was the 70s! Everyone dressed a little strangely.
Nash: Yeah, no offense, but you look like a pedophile. Honestly, I’d probably rather Jerry Sandusky look after my kids.
Everyone: (Awkward groaning)
Nash: What, too soon?
Sparrow: (Looking at Captain N) So what the hell are you supposed to be?
N: (Looks up from the Nintendo 3DS he has been concentrating on the entire time) Huh?
Sparrow: You, what’s your deal?
N: Oh sorry, I was just wrapped up playing Super Mario on the Nintendo 3DS. It’s an amazing game! Anyway, I’m Captain N. One day I was playing Nintendo and I was pulled into the TV, and I had to save Videoland! I got to fight alongside Simon Belmont. The same Simon Belmont who can be found in the exciting game Castlevania: Judgment on the Nintendo Wii!
Sparrow: So you’re basically a walking advertisement for Nintendo? And people say I whore myself out.
N: Hey, that’s not fair! I’m just trying to let everyone know that Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is now available! You know, I met Link once. He’s taller than you’d expect.
Kangaroo: You got sucked into a computer and had to play video games? Back in my day, we called that Tron!
N: (Sighs) Yeah, it really was kind of a rip-off of Tron. Here was the funny thing about the whole situation: They thought I was some sort of expert video game player. But really, I kind of sucked at them.
Nash: Yeah, you seemed to be having a lot of trouble just beating King Hippo. Hey, who do you think would win in a fight? King Hippo or Captain Kangaroo?
Sparrow: (looks disdainfully at Captain Kangaroo) King Hippo.
Kangaroo: How can you say that? He’s morbidly obese!
Sparrow: You’re no supermodel yourself.
Nash: We gonna wrap this up soon? Apparently, the NBA lockup is ending, so I’ll have to actually start working again.
Author: Speaking of that…how have you been spending all your free time?
Nash: Here’s a hint: It rhymes with “woking smeed.” It’s not like they could test me for it!
America: I certainly don’t approve of that! Drugs are bad!
Nash: You’re one to talk, Mr. Super Soldier. Without drugs, you’d be skinnier than me.
America: Those drugs were taken in the name of freedom!
Nash: Sure they were, pal. Sure they were. Besides, drugs are the only way I can stand watching those stupid Pirate movies.
N: Yeah, those are way too boring for me.
Sparrow: Boring? I’m boring you all the way to the bank!
Kangaroo: In my day, we had classy pirates like Errol Flynn! Not freak shows like this guy!
Nash: And yet he still seemed masculine in comparison to Orlando Bloom. What happened to that guy? We wanted to like him! He was Legolas! Everyone loved Legolas! But every time he’s on screen now, I just want to punch him.
Sparrow: You’re not kidding. You know he perms his hair?
Nash: You ever talk to Richard Greico?
Sparrow: Yeah, sometimes he calls my house and just rants for about an hour. “It should have been me! I should have been Jack Sparrow! I should have been Edward Scissorhands! I should have been Batman!”
N: But you didn’t play Batman!
Sparrow: I know, but apparently he really hates Christian Bale. The guy’s got issues.
Author: Well guys, we’re just about out of time. Anything else you’d like to add?
N: Don’t forget to pick up Super Mario Wii! It’s great fun for all ages!
Nash: Uh, you don’t happen to have any marij-
Author: And that’s all the time we have! Thank you all for coming!
Retro Cereal of the Week
As Captain N would have surely told you, Nintendo used to have its own cereal: The Nintendo Cereal System!
Each box was split into two halves with each half housing a different cereal. One was based on Super Mario Bros. with fruity Mario shapes, and the other had a Legend of Zelda theme with berry flavored Links. Apparently, neither kind tasted very good.
Children of the 80s might have loved Nintendo, but apparently not enough to buy a crappy tasting cereal just because it was Nintendo-themed. After a couple of years, the cereal was discontinued.
Normally at this time, I’d provide a link that may or may not be an embarrassing picture of Dan Boger. But I’ve decided to retire that particular feature.
But I will not take away without giving you something in return. So I’d like to introduce to our new closing feature…The Boger Meme! Enjoy!