Friday, September 9, 2011

LOTW Dos and Don'ts

The Weekly Brew has received many LOTW noms in its time, and the best stories all have a common theme: drunken ridiculousness. The stories are both entertaining and sickening, and have the Brewer wishing she could witness the carnage.

However, on occasion the Brewer receives noms that tell a sad tale, in which the nominee is not so much funny and ridiculous as getting alcohol poisoning and being a burden to everyone around him/her.

To help you aspiring Lushes, the Brew has put together a guide on how to be the best LOTW and ensure a victory among the nominees. We've titled it "Don't Do What Johnny Don't Does":

"Johnny Don't" does puke behind the bar.

"Johnny Don't" does pass out while stumbling to the metro and is vulnerable to being rolled by pickpockets and loose women.

"Johnny Don't" doesn't do due diligence and does drink too much...
...Ok, even the Brewer is getting confused now. Let's try this:

DO: Get drunk and tell a chick you want to motorboat her.
Or you can motorboat yourself
DON'T: Get drunk and grab the chick's boobs, crotch, or other "special places."

Although, to be fair, girl-on-girl action is always acceptable
DO: Play Nemesis twice in a row and tell your best friend about that secret lesbian crush you have on her
DON'T: Play Nemesis six times in a row then fall over on the table breaking it in half.

DO: Play Century Club and have a blast learning about all the crazy shit your fellow NAKIDs have done in their lives.
DON'T: Decide Century Club isn't enough, do a Tap Dance, then throw up on the bartender.

DO: Take the metro to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, then challenge random people in the crowd to take you on.
DON'T: Drive to the bar and play a ton of flip cup, beer pong, and drunkball, then decide you're "okay" to drive home.

DO: Chat with friends then hit on anything that moves while drinking delicious Bud Light pitchers.
DON'T: Drink so many pitchers while you're chatting you pass out in the bar and your friends have to carry you out.

Close to unconsciousness
DO: Talk to your friendly police officer who occasionally shows up at our bars to enjoy a mid-shift meal, making small talk about the weather and possibly discussing the current state of security, all the while completely bombed out of your mind yet oddly coherent.
DON'T: Drunkenly rant at the police officer about not wanting to live in a police state, then challenge him to a fight, saying your gun is bigger than his, resulting in your arrest.

DO: Celebrate a victory in flip cup with hugs, a slap on the ass, and making out in the corner.
DON'T: Celebrate a victory in flip cup by throwing beer all over yourself and others, then slipping and knocking yourself out on the wall.

Disclaimer: She did NOT knock herself out, nor spill it on herself. But you get the idea.

DO: Dance on the bar at MBP and work the pole like you're putting yourself through "college."
DON'T: Be so sloppy you fall off the bar onto a bartender.

DO: Be a chick and allow people to touch your special places.

DON'T: Be a dude and not wait for permission

And I don't have a DO for this, but DON'T: Pick a fight with Bear. Ever.

So there you are. This list is not comprehensive, to be sure, but it should help those of you who are hoping to own a LOTW bandana of your very own.

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