Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Ask the Kickball Ramblings

It’s once again time for “Ask the Kickball Ramblings” in which I will attempt to answer some questions supplied by actual NAKID players. Some of them are kickball related, some are not. But hopefully they can all get along peacefully.
Q: Why can’t we pitch overhand?
A: Because overhand pitching can be very difficult to kick against. NAKID used to allow overhand or sidearm pitching, but the pitchers got too darned good at it. Because the game is called "kickball" and not "pitchball," a change was made to make it more fun for everyone to play.
Q: Holy crap, the NHL is STILL going on?
A: Yeah, the season does seem to stretch on, doesn’t it? Not that anyone in DC really cares, since approximately 90 percent of the local hockey-following population stopped paying attention as soon as the Caps were eliminated.
Q: Why don't more girls in the league want to have sex with me?
A: It's probably because you're either aiming too high (lower your standards - everyone's pretty in the dark!) or because girls think you're creepy (don't silently stare at a girl for hours. It tends to unsettle them)
Q: Why don't more guys in the league want to have sex with me?
A: Obviously I made this question up, since no girl would ever actually ask this. Seriously ladies, if you're ever in a slump, just go up to a drunk guy and say "I want to have sex with you." I'm guessing you'll have at least a 50 percent success rate.
Q: What’s the best place to play flip cup?
A: Some people prefer the basement of Hamilton’s, since it has somewhat of an underground, fight club-like feel. Others like the ground level of My Brothers Place as the windows provide a connection to the outside world.
Honestly, as long as there’s enough room to fit everyone on the table without getting bumped constantly, then any spot is a good spot for flip cup.
Q: Why aren’t the people on my team hotter?
A: Genetics?
Q: Burger King is dropping their King mascot from their commercials. Is there anything that can be done about this?
A: There are a few options:
1. Organize a boycott of their restaurants until they bring him back. 
2. Start up a Facebook group, since that worked really well when people wanted Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.
3. Go on a murderous rampage through Burger King’s corporate headquarters while screaming “Long live the King!”
If those options all fail, all is not lost.  If you really miss looking at pictures of creepy guys with beards, here’s this week’s Link that may (or may not) be an Embarrassing Picture of Dan Boger:
Q: Tourists keep walking across our fields during games. What’s the best way to keep them away?
A: It amazes me that some people can be oblivious to the fact that an organized sports game is taking place where they are walking. And yet, just about every week, games will be interrupted by a wandering tourist.
To remedy this problem, I prefer the simple technique of shouting: “Hey dumbass! Get off the field!” The look of bewilderment that follows is usually good for a quick chuckle. Also effective is throwing the ball really hard at their head.
Q: What would be the most effective super power to have when playing kickball?
A: At first I was going to say super speed, since that would allow you to make every play in the field and never get thrown out. But even more effective than that would be telepathy. You could make everyone think you kicked a home run when you were really just sitting on the side of the field drinking beer.
Q: Should I wear my wedding ring while playing?
A: In theory, kickball is a non-contact sport, so you shouldn’t have to worry about a ring induced injury. On the other hand, it might unexpectedly come off your finger, which isn’t good. Although it is somewhat amusing to have an entire team search through the grass for a ring.
Trivia Question
The answer to the last trivia question was: Sex Cymbal has never won a flip cup Championship of the Universe title. And I’m sure they’re all really pissed off about it.
Correct answers were supplied by Moira S and Dana W who will each receive 20 cent prizes.
This week’s question: Throughout its history, how many different sports has NAKID offered? (Note: Flip cup does not count!)
Answers can be submitted either via comment or email to TreachX@yahoo.com

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