As part of my ongoing effort to provide content for the Weekly Brew, I recently gained access to a top secret prototype time machine.
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| Sadly, this was not the time machine |
While there are seemingly countless opportunities provided by a working time machine, I ultimately decided that there was only one sensible thing to do with the device: Pull George Washington into present day and ask him some questions about kickball!
Since we play kickball in Washington, DC, haven’t we all wondered what the city’s namesake might think of the game? Well, we can wonder no further!
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| Nice wig |
Author: Thanks for being with us today, Mr. President. I know the time travel process can be very taxing. Are you ready for this?
GW: I was born ready! You don't get to be the first president of the new world without being ready.
Author: As you know, the nation’s capital was named after you.
GW: Along with a state, 31 counties and 17 cities, not that I’m bragging.
Author: Are you also aware that a popular activity for young adults living in the capital is playing kickball? Are you familiar with kickball?
GW: I'm familiar with leading the colonial forces during the American Revolution. Is that similar?
Author: Well, sometimes when I play kickball, I wear a bandanna with the American flag on it. And there's a lot of drinking involved. But aside from that, no, they're very different.
GW: I certainly do enjoy drinking. I have a distillery in my house, you know! But tell me more about this kicking of balls.
Author: It’s similar to baseball. Wait, do you even know about baseball?
GW: I do not. I do enjoy a good game of wickets on occasion however.
Author: Here’s a brief summary of baseball: It’s kind of like cricket, it became the national pastime, and the most famous team is known as the Yankees. Kickball is similar to that, except we kick a big rubber ball.
GW: Kicking a big rubber ball? Why that sounds like a child’s game!
Author: Yeah, that’s pretty much where we are in today’s culture. If there was a game that we liked to play as children, we simply go to the bar afterwards, and it becomes an adult game.
GW: You play children’s games and then drink? These are confusing times you live in.
Author: As one of our nation's greatest leaders, I was hoping you could offer advice to some of our league's captains.
GW: Absolutely. After all, most of my successors in office have followed the examples I set.
Author: You encountered difficulties when recruiting people to the Revolutionary Army. Some captains have trouble recruiting people to their team. Do you have any suggestions for them?
GW: Obviously, my passion for the Revolution helped recruit people, but that wasn’t the only reason people came on board. Promises of whiskey and women helped convince many of them.
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| Works every time |
Author: That’s how most of our league’s captains recruit too.
Even though you know nothing of the game, do you have any strategic advice? Surely, some aspect of Colonial era military strategy can be applied to kickball.
GW: Here are some tried and true tips that have always worked for me:
It's harder to hit a moving target than one that's standing still, so when possible, you should throw at the base.
Also, small actions can lead to big rewards, so don't underestimate the bunt.
Lastly, you're not going to win every battle, but what really matters is having fun and drinking lots of whiskey. And playoffs. You want to win playoffs.
Author: Very sage advice from someone who has never played the game.
GW: Well, I am the greatest president of all time!
Author: You think so? We’ve had some good presidents since then: Lincoln, FDR, Clinton…
GW: Let me know when any of them has their face on the one dollar bill.
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| Dollar dollar bill y'all! |
Author: What do you think of our current president?
GW: I feel he’s done some good things, but one of his policies disturbs me greatly.
Author: What’s that?
GW: His alliance with the hated British! I didn’t work my ass off to gain independence just so that 200 some years later, Kate Middleton could become a national celebrity!
Author: And what do you think of Obamacare?
GW: I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole.
Author: You seem to be breaking up. I think you’re being pulled back into the time stream. Anything else you’d like to say?
GW: My teeth are made from hippopotamus ivory.
And with that, the president vanished into the ether. Hopefully he was returned to his proper time, and is not lost in some sort of limbo state between time and space. Either way, this has been quite educational.
Special thanks goes out to Amanda P, who assisted me with operating the time machine.
Team Name Analysis
I think I’ve taken the study of defunct cereals about as far as it can go.
Instead, from now on I’m going to take a current NAKID team, provide a thoughtful analysis of their name, and then rate it on a scale of one to five Whalens.
Remember, this is just one man’s opinion, so please don’t have a hissy fit if I think your team’s name sucks.
My Balls Your Face
At first, this name appears to be a simple dodgeball reference, because obviously dodgeball involves throwing balls at your opponent.
But wait! Upon closer inspection, this appears to be something of a double entendre. My Balls Your Face could also be interpreted as a sexual term. At least it could if you have a dirty mind.
I normally enjoy double entendres, but I feel this one falls a bit short.
Remember that in dodgeball, if you hit your opponent in the face, they are not out. You have to hit them below the neck! So if they do as their name suggests, they’re probably going to fare rather poorly.
Rating: 3 Whalens
Double entendres are nice and all, but they perhaps should have chosen one that would actually be an effective playing technique.
And finally, we conclude with another LOLger:
