Thursday, August 25, 2011

NAKID Power Hour!

I still remember the first time I heard about a Power Hour--drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour--I thought it was the greatest idea man has ever had. I called up my brother who had a better computer than I did and asked him to make me a power hour CD (one minute from each of 60 songs).

He told me to go to hell.

I asked him if instead I could borrow his computer to create my own CD. That was ok. After looking through his personal files I started on my CD, diligently cutting out the best minute from each song instead of just using the first minute like a slacker (because unless that first minute is the opening of Europe's "Final Countdown," it's just not gonna get you fired up). Finally, after hours of hard work, I had the perfect Power Hour CD.

I have absolutely no idea where that damn thing is right now.

So tomorrow when NAKID has its first of (we hope) many Power Hours, we will not be using my magic CD. However, for $20 you can get all the beer you need for the Power Hour and an awesome NAKID shotglass to take home with you!

Rumor has it there are surprises in store as well, so come to Hamilton's tomorrow at 8pm (but RSVP first so we know how much space to reserve!) and relive those magic binge drinking days!

...ok, we know, we still binge drink, but this time you get a shot glass!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: A Day in the Life of a NAKID - The No-Show

Editor's note: A few seasons ago The Kickball Ramblings started a series depicting a day in the life of various types of NAKIDs (to be combined in the future into an easy reference). Here is the next installment.

This is another look at a Day in the Life of a NAKID. While the subjects described might be fictional stereotypes, I’m sure you might recognize them anyway.

In this installment, I will chronicle the day of The Girl Who Doesn't Show Up to the Game.

7:30 AM – She climbs out of bed and undergoes her normal weekday pre-work routine.

9:10 AM – After settling in at work, she checks her personal email. She sees an email from the captain of her kickball team asking if she's coming to the game tonight.

9:11 AM – She suddenly realizes that it's Thursday and she was supposed to go to kickball...except she forgot to bring her stuff with her.

9:12 AM – She re-reads the email and sees that it is directed to just a few people on the team who didn't respond to the game invite he had sent out. Apparently, the team is short on girls, so he needs some of them to come or else they'll give up penalty runs. She assumes that this is a bad thing.

9:15 AM – She internally wavers about whether or not to go. She wants to go, but it would be a huge pain to have to stop back home and then go to the Mall. But she's already missed two games, and it feels like a waste of money if she doesn't go. Plus, she supposes that the team does need her because of those penalty runs or whatever.

9:30 AM – She emails two of her friends on the team to see if they're going to the game.

12:03 PM – She takes her lunch break and checks her email again. One of her friends has emailed her back saying that she was going to go, but she's tired and is going to skip the game.

2:05 PM – The captain emails her again. He says that they could really use her, but she needs to let him know one way or another. This is too much pressure!

3:00 PM – Her other friend emails her back saying that she's going, encouraging her to go.

3:05 PM – After further internal debate, she decides that she'll go to the game. She'll have to leave work a little early in order to make it home and then back to the Mall in time.

3:07 PM – She emails the captain telling him that she's coming, but because she has to go home, she might be a little late.

3:10 PM – The captain writes back, encouraging her to try to make it on time because they only have four girls coming, and if she isn't there at the start, they have to give up a penalty run. She decides that he is a bit obsessed with these penalty runs.

3:12 PM – She starts to get angry at the other girls on the team for being so flaky. There are like 20 girls on the team, so why is it up to her to be on time?

4:30 PM – She has to leave by 5:30, but she isn't close to being done with her work. She once again considers simply skipping the game.

5:35 PM – Despite not being finished with her work, she leaves the office and walks to the Metro.

5:54 PM – What a surprise – there's a delay on the Metro. She texts her friend so that she can tell the captain that she's almost definitely going to be late.

6:02 PM – The Metro finally arrives, and she gets on board a crowded, hot train.

6:08 PM – The train is moving painfully slow.

6:16 PM – She finally arrives at her stop. She fights her way through the gate and up the escalator.

6:24 PM – She enters her apartment, already exhausted.

6:26 PM – After throwing down her work stuff, she goes rifling through her hamper trying to find her NAKID shirt.

6:29 PM – She can't find her shirt, so she just grabs a random red shirt.

6:32 PM – She tries to remember where she left her sneakers.  She begins digging through her closet.

6:39 PM – After finding her sneakers, she runs out the door. She considers taking a cab to the game, but doesn't want to spend the money. She takes her chances with the Metro.

6:42 PM – She reaches the Metro. She hopes that she'll just make a train. When she arrives, she sees that there is an eight minute wait for the train. Realizing that she'll be late anyway, she finally gives up and heads back to her apartment.

6:43 PM – She texts her friend telling her that she's not going to make it.

6:51 PM – She arrives back home and finally relaxes. Her spirits rise after eating dinner and watching a rerun of How I Met Your Mother.

The Next Day

9:10 AM – She checks her email to find a nasty email from her team captain. He says that since only two girls came to the game, they gave up three penalty runs (seriously, get over it, dude!) and ended up losing by one run. He sarcastically thanks the girls who said they were going to come and simply didn't show up.

9:11 AM – She becomes angry at all the other girls on the team who didn't show up. She makes a vow to remember to bring her stuff with her next week so she can actually make the game.


Trivia Question

Cap'n Crunch's first name is Horatio. Because she is a master of Google, Alena once again correctly answered the question.

This week's question: The Phillie Phanatic is obviously the greatest baseball mascot. Who do I consider to be the 2nd best?

Answers can be submitted via comment or by emailing me at TreachX@yahoo.com

Who's got their JORTS ready?!?

This Saturday NAKID is celebrating the mid-point of its summer season with lots of free beer, free jello shots, and JORTS! You may be thinking, "JORTS? WTF?" But no, JORTS does not refer to Josh "Jorts" Harrellson, the basketball player from Kentucky who recently stopped a drunk driver from killing his friends:

He liked his JORTS
In fact, we are referring to jean shorts:

So much chafing
Ok. That was mean. Here's a better pic:

I think my dad still owns a pair like this. He calls them "Bermudas"
Homemade or store-bought, knee-length or daisy dukes--pick whichever style suits your fancy.

Again, I know what you're thinking: "Seriously? I don't even own these things. What the hell am I supposed to do?" Well, you're in luck. Here's a handy guide to obtaining some JORTS of your very own. First, get your tools together:

Just take an old pair of jeans that you've been meaning to give to goodwill but have been too lazy to drop off at the donation spot and mark on them the leg length you are comfortable with. Then, take the pair of scissors and cut straight across:


Ta-da! You have JORTS!

Now, don't go washing these after you've cut them. Getting too much of a fray will ruin the whole point of the JORTS--that you were wearing jeans but just got too darn hot.


We're looking forward to seeing all you NAKIDs in your JORTS, and we'll have plenty of beer and jello shots to make you forget that you're wearing this ridiculous clothing item. And normally we'd tell any wearer of JORTS that they have no hope of hooking up while wearing them, but in this case, when everyone is crazy, doesn't that make us all sane? (For those that are having trouble with the metaphor, that means that you should still be able to find a partner even in your JORTS.)


The party starts at 5pm at Hamilton's and My Brother's Place. We'll check in people from 5-7, then from 8-10. Arrive after 10 and you're SOL. Free for registered players and $10 for friends of NAKIDs (and please don't try to commit identity theft by saying your friend is on your team--we're checking IDs-- and don't whine when your friends have to pay $10 to get in. It's $10 for free beer all night!)

And don't forget your JORTS!

p.s. JORTS must always be in all caps. The Brew's will be done.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Lots of people, few shenanigans...

Week 2 Thursday Summer 2011

Everyone packed the bars on Thursday night, but there was very little crazyiness going on. On the one hand, no one got arrested. On the other hand, the Brew doesn't have much to talk about.

But the Brew will say HUZZAH! to Spitzer Swallows for being the last man standing in MBP and starting the dance party:

Spitzer knows how to get down

Five Questions:


Rian, I Kicked a Ball and I Liked It
1) What do you love about NAKID? Dancing on the bar
2) What movie do you have to watch until the end when it's on TV? Dark Knight
3) Does size matter? Uh....no.
4) What was your favorite after school special topic? D.A.R.E.
5) Cup size: 36 C (and a teammate remarks "You gave her your real size?!?")


Taris, Get Some
1) What do you love about NAKID? It's the most fun night of the week
2) What movie do you have to watch until the end when it's on TV? A Few Good Men
3) Does size matter? Let's just say I've never had that problem
4) What was your favorite after school special topic? Not sure if serious
5) Cup size: I'm more of an ass/legs kind of guy



No LOTW this week, but we like to watch you try!


"I Don't Remember Saying That"

If it's got cum in it, I don't care. I'll drink it. - Jeff, We Beat Parker Lewis

Say something about a good looking guy with a beard....That's it. - Pete, Get Some

I want an ape coming at me. - Erin, We Beat Parker Lewis

You and your fancy 3D. I remember being excited for a talkie! - Dave, We Beat Parker Lewis




Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Kickball Ramblings: O Captain, My Captain

Congratulations! You have decided to captain a kickball/volleyball/dodgeball team. You now get to play for free! Captaining is awesome!

But wait a second…apparently this captaining job comes with real responsibilities. People are now looking to you for leadership and information. And all you wanted was free registration and to have your name at the top of the team’s roster. Unless you want to simply shirk all your duties as captain (which is one of the douchiest things you can do in NAKID) you’re going to have to put in some effort.

I’m not saying you need to dedicate all of your time and energy towards captaining. Not everyone has the time nor desire to spend hours carefully cultivating a lineup, and then later writing a lengthy “recap” email that only minimally touches on what happened in the game.

No, that is the territory of only the truly great captains. For the rest of you mere mortals, you can probably do a suitable job with a lot less effort.

The way I see it, a captain simply needs to facilitate his team having fun and put them in a position to win games. Whether or not a team actually has fun or wins is largely up to the team itself, but a good captain can go a long way toward making that happen.

Of course, this can be a tough balance. Even on the most fun of teams, people will get discouraged if they lose all their games and aren't competitive. And on the other hand, if a captain takes the desire to win too far, it’s not as much fun for everybody.

Remember, this is a social league, so captains should try their best not to be like this guy:

http://deadspin.com/5788716/kickball-rec-league-captain-sends-out-fantastically-bitchy-email-to-his-underperforming-team

To get further insight into captaining, I held a roundtable discussion. I gathered up some famous captains and tried to get their opinion on things.

Joining us today are:
Steve Yzerman, former Detroit Red Wings captain.
Captain Planet, environmental superhero.
David Beckham, captain of the British soccer team.

James T. Kirk, captain of the Starship Enterprise.

Cap’n Crunch, cereal spokesperson.

Let’s start out by asking what makes you a successful captain?

Planet: Combining the powers of earth, water, wind, fire, and heart!

Crunch: Being part of a nutritious breakfast!

Beckham: I’ll be honest with you. It’s my good looks. I mean, if I didn’t look like a model, would anyone really give a crap about me?

Kirk: I’m going to agree with that. My good looks made me an effective leader and allowed me to have sex with women of all sorts of alien races.

Author: In NAKID we call that “pulling a Randy.”

Yzerman: But you don’t have to be good looking. In Canada, I'm still considered a sex symbol, eh?

Beckham: You play hockey, so expectations are lowered. In football it is a different story. I owe almost all of my fame to my looks and the fact that I married a pop star.

Kirk: *laughs* A pop star? I wouldn’t go quite that far.

Beckham: Hey, the Spice Girls first album went platinum eight times, you know.

Planet: I love the song "Wannabe!"

Kirk: Which one was your wife?

Beckham: The skinny brunette with the disproportionately big rack.

Yzerman: And yet, more people in America know who she is than me. And I won the Stanley Cup three times!

Beckham: Americans at least consider hockey to be a major sport. I came to the States and the sport still couldn’t draw ratings.

Yzerman: Major sport? Hardly. Maybe in places like Washington where the local teams have been so bad that they’ll jump aboard the bandwagon of any team that gives them some hope. But most of the country doesn't give a crap.

Beckham: Well, isn’t it considered to be “cool” to like hockey?

Yzerman: Maybe back in the 90s, eh? Hockey stopped being cool right around the same time when your wife actually had a career. You want to know how unnoticed hockey is in the U.S? That picture up there? It isn’t even me! I just Googled “bald Canadian” and grabbed a random picture. And sadly, I bet only about two people reading this even noticed, eh?

Beckham: I don’t get Americans. All a bunch of wankers if you ask me. Especially that Landon Donovan guy. If he's considered the country's best player, no wonder the sport isn't popular here.

Crunch: Hate to interrupt, fellas, but does anyone remember back in the 80s when I went missing and there was a big contest to figure out where I went?

Beckham: What the hell are you talking about?

Crunch: It was a big deal! It turned out I was in outer space fighting the Soggies. They’re an alien race dedicated to making cereal soggy.

Yzerman: And you stopped them? You’re like two feet tall, eh? What did you do to them, cut the roof of their mouths?

Crunch: Cap’n Crunch does not cut the roof of your mouth! Those are lies! Lies!

Kirk: The Soggies? That’s nothing. Try fighting the Borg some time.

Yzerman: Wait, you never fought the Borg!

Kirk: Yeah, but now that my timeline was “rebooted” I probably will.

Beckham: Yeah, what was up with that whole timeline alteration thing, anyway?

Kirk: Seriously, I don’t know. It didn’t make much sense to me either. But it’s not like we should have expected logic in time travel when the movie was written by the creator of Lost.

Planet: Speaking of movies, did you hear that they’re making a movie about me?

Kirk: Dear Lord, that is going to suck so hard. Is Hollywood really that out of ideas?

Planet: Yeah, pretty much. I’m just hoping that they have Vin Diesel play me.

Kirk: I would go with Rob Schneider.

Planet: Ouch, that hurts.

Author: Guys, we’re running low on time. Is there anything you’d like to add?

Planet: Yes! Always remember – the power is yours!

Author: Thank you, guys. This has been quite illuminating.


Retro Cereal of the Week

In honor of Cap'n Crunch's appearance here, we'll go with a cereal from his line: Deep Sea Crunch.

First introduced in 1993, Deep Sea Crunch was essentially the same as Crunch Berries, but the berries were shaped like sea creatures.

Apparently, the appeal of eating berries shaped like sea creatures wasn't quite enough to set the cereal apart from it's competitors, and it quickly faded from shelves.

Trivia Question

What is Cap'n Crunch's first name?

You can answer with a comment or by sending an email to TreachX@yahoo.com.

That's all for now. As always send comments or hate mail to TreachX@yahoo.com.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The OTHER Rules of NAKID...

What they didn't tell you when you joined....


Do you feel left out sometimes? Do you feel like everyone knows the inside jokes but you? Is no one sharing their beer with you or not inviting you into their flip cup games? If so, there’s a good chance that it’s not personal, it's just because you’re not “in the know.”

In NAKID there is a set of “unwritten rules”—things that one would only know from learning their lesson the hard way. They cover how we do business—how we play kickball, how we drink our beer, and, most importantly, how we hook up. They aren’t complicated, really, but if you don’t know them you could be left feeling like the fat kid in dodge ball, the ugly bridesmaid at a wedding, or the senator with a wide stance. So in an effort to help you fit in and have a good time, the Brew consulted with a group of veteran NAKIDs that have been around the block, hooked up a time or two, and have drunk their weight in beer hundreds of times over. Their task was to write the unwritten, and bestow upon the NAKID masses the wisdom they have accumulated over their many years of drunken embarrassments.

Rule #1: Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want caught on camera.
Let's repeat that one, as it is first for a reason: DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT CAUGHT ON CAMERA! Oh the nights we have woken up to see our faces all over the Flickr site. . . or in the Brew . . . or on youporn.com. We live in a world of camera phones and “slim” Casios that fit into every freaking crack! Knowing that your actions are probably going to be recorded with snapshots and possibly video should help you keep things under control. But even some of our most veteran NAKIDs completely ignore this rule. So, if you like to put on a show, take this more as a “caution” than a die-hard rule, but otherwise, beware: cameras are everywhere!

Don't be surprised when you get caught!
Rule #2: Don’t make out at the bars unless you want everyone to know and talk about it.
And they will. All the time. Until the day you die. How to avoid it? Just don’t do it! “Can you walk me to the metro?” is the best way to lure your hook-up away from prying eyes. But don’t use the alleyway on 2nd Street either; it’s a well-traveled passage to First Street. Walk a few blocks away, then proceed to get it on.

Busted!

Rule #3: Don’t hook up with someone on your team.
Okay, this one is obvious. Most drunken hook ups don’t last past the one night, but plenty of them do turn into awkward conversations and avoided eye contact! Do yourself a favor and pick another team’s hottie as your fling (there’s plenty to choose from!), and remember there are other nights of kickball to pick your victim from as well! The old adage holds true: don’t sh*t where you eat. Unless you really like the toilet. 

That's a good mix
Rule #4: Don’t have your significant other join your team.
This is a slight extension of Rule #3 but it still applies. Few break-ups today end on positive terms so why would you want to have a ticking time bomb standing at first base? If your main squeeze must join, try to convince them that playing on another team will “bring you closer” or could be “romantic.” Hey, it could work.

Rule #5: Bring Beer – Share Beer!
We all play flip cup right? Right? So it stands to reason that if you challenge a team to some flip cup you shouldn’t come to the table empty handed! We are all nice generous people here in NAKID but you can’t expect to challenge a team and mooch off their beer! That being said­—if you have your beer on the table, SHARE IT! We are all hard working individuals and being overly stingy with your beer just makes you look like a douche. P.S. drinking tons of other peoples beer and never buying your own also makes you look like a douche.

Actual NAKID keg usage in ONE weekend!
Rule #6 (and second most important despite numbering): Don’t be a douche!
This rule is a general rule that pretty much shows what NAKID is all about: having fun. So what does not being a douche mean? Well, it means different things to different people, but as a general rule of thumb don’t do anything you wouldn’t be proud of, don’t do anything that would keep you from getting a date or that you wouldn’t do in front of your parents, and don’t do anything that makes other people feel bad. It’s a simple concept, really—treat others as you would like to be treated! This is the catch-all and should be the rule that is applied before all others. Learn it, live it, love it.


Rule #7: DON’T DRIVE TO THE BAR IF YOU’RE GOING TO GET WASTED!
We are all adults here and we all know what it means to be responsible. Don’t put others on the road, or yourself, or your possible passengers in danger by driving to the game and the bar when you know your plan is to get crunked. Its just unbecoming and majorly douchey.

Bad idea jeans.

We hope that you have found these gems of wisdom helpful. NAKID is about having fun and meeting new people and we feel these guidelines can help you do that! If you think we left anything off, let the Brewer know below or at weeklybrew@gmail.com and we will try to include your suggestion in the next edition of “The Other Rules of NAKID.” Good luck!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Tremendous Tuesdays

In seasons past, Tuesdays have been known as one of the poorer showing days of NAKID players' drunkenness, level of fun, and closing the bar. With a strong showing both week one and week two now, Tuesdays are starting to rival Sundays and Thursdays for a consistent night of fun and questionable level of sobriety. With Tuesdays at around 98 percent full and the majority of each team showing up, we are seeing huge numbers at the bars! Flip cup tables and beer pong games are going stronger and later than ever. The number of people closing the bar and staying past 11pm is far more than seasons past. With so many new faces, I hope Tuesday Kickballers’ can keep it up!

Meet some of the Tuesday veterans…

5 Questions:

Mika, Kick Me Baby One More Time



1.) What do you love about NAKID? It’s a great place to meet new friends. I can tell who my real friends are, we are all wearing the same colored shirt.
2.) What was the best thing before sliced bread? Tetris 
3.) What is your favorite drink? PBR
4.) Can you describe an atom? A small being, one of my best friends in middle school.
5.) Cup Size? Big Red Cup

Alisha, Hit It & Bounce



1.) What do you love about NAKID? My teammates
2.) Who would win a battle between a ninja and a pirate? While they both have sword fighting abilities, the ninja would say I am going to kick in my martial arts skills and he would win. (Add in fighting hand motions while answering)
3.) Favorite drink? Long Island
4.) If you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous/not famous, living/dead, real/fictional, whom would it be? Michelle Obama, because she has an awesome wardrobe and hot husband.
5.) Cup Size? 12oz

This week there was no winner for LOTW.  Try harder next week! Here are some great photos of this week's action...






Advice for next week: Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean… against bars, tables, chairs, poles, and friends!

Score updates and standings will be published for Tuesdays next week!

If you have any comments or suggestions for the Tuesday column, please email weeklybrew@gmail.com 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Sunday Volleyball/Dodgeball: Ode to A/C

Oh A/C, how do we love thee? Let us count the ways...

Okay, no, we won't actually bore anyone by enumerating the many reasons we love A/C at the Y on a hot, sunny, humid July day in DC, but the love is there.

We played volleyball and dodgeball (and kickball--pictures, anyone?), then drank our faces off at Sign of the Whale. There's only room for one flip cup table up there, so everyone try to take turns and be patient. Remember, you don't need to play a game to get drunk.

We missed several teams this week--we hope you'll come back next Sunday! Sure, there was more room to move around, but there were so many less people to inappropriately hit on.

Five Questions:


Chris, The Bumpits
1) What do you love about NAKID? Playing volleyball and drinking after at the bar
2) Worst shot you've ever done? Tequila
3) Given the current fiscal situation and the uncertainty of the financial system, how would you fix the economy? Implement another stimulus package (Note: this sounds vaguely dirty and we're assuming was intended that way)
4) If you could have sex with your celebrity crush but first you have to watch your grandparents have sex, would you? NO.
5) Cup size: B

They do EVERYTHING together
Team Penetration (team effort)
1) What do you love about NAKID? It's very friendly
2) Worst shot you've ever done? Four horsemen
3) Given the current fiscal situation and the uncertainty of the financial system, how would you fix the economy? Legalize marijuana; cut, cap and balance; privatize the postal service; cut spending and entitlements; cut defense spending on noncontingency operations; tax the rich (they had a LOT of ideas)
4) If you could have sex with your celebrity crush but first you have to watch your grandparents have sex, would you? Yeah, absolutely, I can watch some pretty gross shit
5) Cup size: DD

LOTW:
Kevin, Sign of the Whale bartender

In the back left corner--the pitcher's for the table, sadly
Kevin started off on two hours of sleep and what we're guessing was a leftover buzz from the night before. He chugged half a bottle of wine, took several shots of his own design, drank liquor directly from the bottle, then nursed on cider for the rest of the afternoon. The entire time he was on duty he was coherent and well-spoken, and only upon being relieved did he show even a hint of how hammered he really was. He also inspired a new NAKID rule: Never challenge a man with a beard to a drinking contest. Congrats, Kevin, you are truly an inspiration!

Unfortunately, no actual NAKID members were worthy, but keep trying--never give up on your dreams!